oh my god im so confused. i thought this is what i wanted but this isnt HOW i wanted it. everything is so complicated and i just wished that everything would solve itself. i do like tyson but i dont know if i LIKE him. i wish i wasnt drunk when i said i would date him, i wish i could have thought things out more, figured out what the pros and cons were. him being my friends brother doesnt make things any better either! i cant even talk to her about it or else she be grossed out or tell him what im thinking. i really need michelles advice, im listening to everyone else but i just have no idea what to do!! this is crazy! i had an awesome night with him yesterday but that made things more complicated i dont want him to think im leading him on but i dont want to hurt him. im so confused i wish i knew what to do. i dont know if hes gonna be a guy im really gonna like or just a friend, hes cute but im not REALLY physically attracted to him which i never thought would be a huge thing for me but apparently im shallow! fuck my life i want to cry right now.

today is the day that i start being happy and truely loving myself.

i like to know those kind of things. makes me feel worth-wild. special. i wish you wouldn't hide

Thinking of desire, love, hate.
Around the corner is just another corner, more houses.
In circles you walk till you realize there is nowhere to go.
Nowhere to go except around the next corner.

Think of desire.
Longing to leave to break free,
Needing to stop, to change.
To change from repeating yourself.

Think of love.
Wanting to meet someone, similar or different.
Having the strings of your heart played by simple words.
The words that mean nothing to some, but everything to you.

Think of hate.
Taking the passion of your rage and turning it,
changing till you have the strength that had hid.
Enough to break free and continue
To count down the days till he comes to your doorstep.

is obviously not present anymore,
and boy do i ever need one.
i am starting to believe that i should
be doing extra math homework on my days
off, and that kinda makes me feel like
crying. oh goodness.

i will be busy for quite some time.

Hunted (out March 10) =] =]
          - 6,7,8,9 when they come out
City of Glass (out in March) last book of series GAH!!

Every Which Way but Dead - Kim Harrison (one of my favorites!!)
          - A Fistful of Charms
          - For a Few Demons More
          - The Outlaw Demon Wails
          - White Which Black Curse
Darren Shan 7,8,9,10,11 and 12
Heat Stroke (Weather Wardens series)
          - Chill Factor
          - WindFall
          - Firestorm
          - Thin Air
          - Gale Force
True Blood series, haven't started it yet but heard it's really good.

i feel like i'm missing something...
we'll find out.

GAH i have absolutely no idea what to do.
i feel like i dont belong anymore. i just dont know. its all so confusing.
its like i keep getting further and further apart from everyone. its totally gonna suck
next semester cause emily will be gone and its just gonna suck. most of the people
just piss me off so what am i supposed to do? go hang out with kyle again?
i fucking highly doubt that. i may as well just go to fh next year...
its sad now, cause i have no social life anymore.
doesnt really matter though cause even if i tried i probably wouldnt.
well this is just me being a pessimist

my galaxy will invade your mind, pushing your soul to the limits, testing to see when i occupy the entire content of your thoughts.

ahh i dont want to wait anymore
i want to get all this waiting done with.

waiting is just a trick that god likes to play on me
by making me give my hopes up, over and over.
you cant trick me again, but youve made me different

i wont trust, i wont think positive, all i ever do is think about the possibilities but when i do i second guess myself, i wont let myself think that i will get what i want or that something i want to happen will happen because god plays tricks on me and now im gonna have to play his game if im to not be dissapointed as i am most of the time.


oh and p.s. i dont want to be around you a lot anymore, youre annoying as fuck and youre also mean to me, and pretty much only me. you need to grow the fuck up and be mature for at least a minute a day before i stop being a bitch to you. to put it in nice words, you pretty much fucking repluse me. i dont understand how one person could be so damn annoying. you say im a bitch, but you should obviously know that i am by now, its not that im a bitch i just let people know what im think and how i fel about them so when you piss me off, which is a LOT im gonna tell you to shut the fuck up. you should know by now that im like that because many other people already do.

i can get over it,
really i think i'll be able to. he's just not right for me.
i need someone who can treat me with a lot of respect, know that he did somethign wrong, not make me feel guilty or bad for myself. dont get me wrong, he's awesome, just not exactly like that. but really? who ever finds someone exactly like their standards. i still kinda like him but i just have to focus on the negatives for a little while if i want to get over him. we'll still be friends of course. *sigh* ughhh i hate this part.